They sent me home.

I'll post more details soon, but after getting my PICC line placed with great difficulty and 4 almost fully realized attempts (repeated "spasms" were the problem -- my veins would just disappear) I went up to my hospital room in the bone marrow transplant ward to find that Lorraine had gotten me beautifully settled in...even hanging the white Christmas lights I insisted on bringing.

The long and the short of it is that the flu-like symptoms I've experienced over the last few days could result from allergies during my first fall in the allergy capital of America....or I could actually have some sort of bug. My breathing is fine, I'm not achy any longer, no temp, but I do have a tickle in my throat. So in the name of my safety, they sent me home. If I have a bug now, after chemo I might not be able to recover, or it would take me much, much longer. So I appreciate it. That said, I'm just completely devastated and have cried my eyes out. They have no idea when they'll be able to get me back in again. Apparently it's the busy season for bone marrow transplants at Emory. Obviously they want to do it as soon as possible, and obviously I'm praying that it will be in a week....but there are no guarantees. Going longer without treatment to cure me is terrifying and absolutely awful to contemplate.

I do understand it, but that doesn't make it any easier to take. I can't seem to stop crying whenever I think about it.

My transplant coordinator nurse is supposed to call me tomorrow, and then I'm supposed to go back in in a couple of days to get checked out. Then we'll talk about getting me back in there. They have no idea what they're going to do about the Kepivance I took and whether I'll be able to take it for another 3 days before getting the high dose chemo -- I forgot to ask about the Dilantin.

This is out of our control, and it may not be a long delay. I'm hoping that these truths give me a greater sense of peace tomorrow.

One funny thing: Lorraine made me laugh mid-sob when she said, "I've been kicked out of bars, but never a hospital!" She's pretty great, isn't she? She's as upset as I am, and has said about 47 times so far since we heard I was going home, "I can't f*ing believe it." We both have some emotional reconciling to do. This is all so hard. Until you're in it, you really just can't fully understand how hard it is on so many levels. If you were to ask Lorraine how it is, she'd probably say, "It's awful. It's just some seriously f*cked up shit." And that pretty much sums it up, I'd say. It kills me that I'm putting her through this.

My PICC line is hurting a lot as a result of all the problems the physican had (it was the Attending Physician, so I was in the most experienced hands there.) I smell Oxycodone in my near future, as what they gave me in the hospital has worn off.

I'll be back with more soon. Hey, how do you like the new digs?