Day -4

Greetings from Day -4! Today was a bit tougher, to be honest....but not as much physically as emotionally. I don't know why exactly; maybe because I learned today that my dear, dear friend, Mr. Bear, is in all likelihood lost to me. It's so crazy I'm so affected by this. Mr. Bear, aptly named because he is a fuzzy tan bear and to me quite male, was given to me by one of my oldest friends Tim (a friend from back in my San Francisco days) when he visited me in Baltimore just before I started treatment when I was first diagnosed. Tim is extremely thoughtful, whip smart, and fiendishly clever. He's also extremely generous, funny as hell, and one of the most gentle people I've ever met -- and that's a lot. ALL of these can be said for Mr. Bear as well, to be perfectly honest, and I'm going to miss him terribly, for he was such a good friend throughout my six months of treatment and literally every low moment since then, through this second diagnosis and up until last night. Last night I was searching and searching for him, pushing my pole around and around my tight room while I looked under chairs and the bed, in both the nurses drawers and mine, in my closet and in my bathroom. As if he had by chance walked in there and gotten locked inside....I don't know what the hell I was thinking. I was just really worried. For good reason, it turns out, because it's clear that he got tossed in with the laundry when the tech changed my sheets yesterday......and they send out the laundry. So he's gone. I'll call back on Monday when Friday's crew will be working again, but the nurse prepared me for his almost certain loss. And that just makes me sad.

But I've just felt rawer for the remainder of the day, with some tears here and there. I'm a little surprised, because I really do feel positively about this process and while I'm a little afraid, I absolutely feel prepared and cared for and not at all alone. Maybe it's just a grief hiccup, brought on by Mr. Bear's loss. Kind of a "Shit, this sucks" moment that will pass.

Anyway, I did want to share that I started the VP-16 today, along with pre-meds, ever-nemesis steroid Decadron, and enormous bags of hydration in preparation for tomorrow's newcomer Cytoxan (carbofosfamide.) Tomorrow, I will get a "cocktail" of Benadryl, Pepsid, Sudafed, and Dilaudid...with more Bendadryl and Dilaudid available if I need either. These are to address sinus issues/pain which can occur. I am happy that I have a very seasoned nurse this weekend; she firmly pushed for these to be placed on my standing order in case they're needed, so there wil be no delay in getting them into me.

Tomorrow will be a big day, chemowise, I'm told. My onc said that if I'm to experience problems with the chemo, they'll arrive with the Cytoxan. Alright, then here's to having no problems!

My counts are still good -- my WBC's over 6,000 so I'm doing just fine so far. Some folks don't become neutropenic until after their transplant, so there's time enough for neutropenia!