Day +3

I'm right where I need to be. My counts are dropping now, so I'm on the way down before I get to get back up. I'm in a lot of pain because of the high dose chemo's effect on my GI tract, but there just isn't much to be done about it but give me pain meds and a little Immodium, at this point. They did cultures of 2 samples, and I don't have an infection -- so that's a GREAT thing! Really all they do now is to work to prevent infection, swiftly react to it if it does occur, and just manage the pain which results from the chemo. You just have to let it run its course and remember that it's temporary.

My WBC is down to .3 now, my platelets are 198, and everything else is really dropping, so I'm getting down there. It's important to understand that there is a definite pattern post transplant which does not involve constant improvement. You go down before you go up, so some patience, humility, and faith will hold you in good stead.

In addition to the pain, I'm feeling pretty wobbly on my feet and have this sort of "hollow" feeling, for lack of a better word. It's definitely a feeling of unwellness and fragility. My throat is worsening, as is my mouth, despite extremely responsible mouth care. I'm having trouble swallowing my pills now, so I'm pretty sure I'm going to be on IV antibiotics tomorrow since I'm now struggling to get even the little pills down. As for food, soft foods are ok, as are, obviously, liquids, but even the case of the latter, if there liquid is carbonated, then I have to work harder. According to the new doc on rotation this week, I'm a little ahead of schedule, so I'm really hoping that means that I'll be on the upswing that much sooner instead of just going down faster!

See, what happens with all of this GI/mouth/pain stuff is this: the high dose chemo attacks the rapidly reproducing cells in your body.....like cancer, which is a good thing. Indiscriminately, it also attacks other, good cells.....like hair, skin, nails, and your entire GI tract: from mouth to anus. The whole way down. The pain that I'm experiencing now is just that, and we simply have to just let it run its course and accept it as part and parcel of this process while remembering that its duration will be finite.

I mentioned the importance of walking in my last post. I walked more than a mile's worth of laps in the halls today, some of them hand in hand with Lorraine this afternoon. Talk about your weird dates! When I walked alone for a half-hour this evening, I listened to my new iPod nano (yum!) and enjoyed my "Groove" playlist, a work in progress. First up on that playlist is, "Time to Let You Go," by The Funky Lowlives. That song acted as a soothing angel for me during radiation, coming on the Chill station of my Sirius Radio in my car during several of my trips to and fro radiation. It always came on just when I needed to hear its calming optimism (no words -- you've just got to hear it to get what I'm saying.) Radiation was an emotional time for me, as I was circling the drain on the SCT and feeling more anxiety, so this song now has weight for me. It helps me.

Methinks it's time for some oxycodone now, so I'll close. Till tomorrow!