Friday: 1828 kcal; cycled 40 minutes, going 10 miles
I loved my cycling today! It just felt really good, and I'd like to get up to an hour tomorrow. It's also time for another full body weights workout, so that's on the books as well.
Lorraine's very motivated to get out and have some fun tomorrow, so I'm going to have to manage my time diplomatically to get both of my workouts in, and keep us both happy! Ideally, she'd join me, but experience tells me that's unlikely. She'll do it when she's ready.
I have to think of some smashing way to celebrate her 1 Month anniversary of being smoke-free. She's on Day 27! Any great but cheap ideas?
Friday, July 29
Thursday, July 28
Another day another doctor's office - or 3
Wednesday: 1276 kcal; no exercise
Thursday: 1643 kcal; no exercise
Today was a day of doctor's office visits -- 2 for me and 1 for Lorraine.
First up was my first meeting with my oncologist since before my last treatment -- the all-important post-chemo meeting. Most importantly, we talked about my follow-up care -- the ongoing monitoring to see if I relapse or stay in remission. A lot of folks have scans quarterly during the first year, but my onc feels that the body has already taken a beating from the chemo and the 3 PET scans to date, so she opts instead for bloodwork and office visits quarterly and a PET scan every 6 months -- this for the first 3 years. For the next two years, 1 visit and 1 PET. After that, because the generally accepted "cure" turning point is the 5-year mark, we'll leave the frequency of monitoring after that for later monitoring.
This means that in 3 months she'll check my blood counts and give me a brief physical, which will undoubtedly involve lots of purposeful prodding of my lymph nodes. 3 months later I'll get another PET. She DID say that if I'm more comfortable getting a PET at this first 3-month mark, we can go ahead and get one, but she recommends not doing it in order to give my body a break. (The scans' radiation does add up.)
We also talked about my weight loss -- or the lack thereof -- and bottom line, she told me not to be hard on myself for losing only 4 pounds; on the contrary, she said that even this loss was a huge accomplishment at this time. She said that most people gain after chemo. I got a little teary, and explained that I was really struggling with my chemo weight gain. We just left it that I'd stick with what I'm doing, and eventually it will work.
At my request, she gave me a referral for a therapist experienced in helping folks with cancer. I'm having a hard time emotionally in the aftermath of the cancer -- like many others. Some of us get hit harder afterwards, after the "gotta get through chemo, gotta stay positive, I'm going to beat this" energy goes away and you're left with the emotional impacts of the diagnosis, subsequent treatment, and the personal upheaval of both.
I asked her to quantify my prognosis, given my personal stats, type of cancer, staging, response to treatment, etc.....and she gave me a "greater than 80%." She then said again what she'd told me before: The single greatest indicator that you're going to continue through remission and on to a cure is a 100% clean scan at the halfway point. Well, now, that is very, very encouraging.
The second appt. of the day was at my surgeon's. He checked out my incision, stuck on some new holding strips, and off I went!
Then it was on to the infectious disease doc to get some help for poor Lorraine. He was just completely impressive -- just so thorough, insightful, and knowledgeable. After getting a very detailed recounting of the chain of events, from the bite, through the symptoms, past the overnight hospital stay and subsequent cardiac catheterization and into resulting treatment.......after all of that.......he said it's very unlikely she's got Lyme Disease. Fascinating! The test is reknowned for false positives and negatives, and he said, based on the chain of events, it seems that something toxic probably happened, but that he's going to need more information before he can come to a final conclusion. So we're going to get him copies of all the test results (we thought they'd already been forwarded, but they hadn't) and go back to meet with him again in a couple of weeks. In the meantime, poor Lorraine gets so dizzy she has to pull off the road, has an ongoing drum beat in her ears, and gets what she can only call, "crazy heart beats" and chests pains. Her heart is functioning at 34%, it's surrounded by fluid, its electrical system is screwed up (left bundle branch block,) and she's almost always fatigued now. She's got 8 days left of her month-long antibiotic regimen, and takes 3 medicines for her heart (1 of them is for her cholesterol.)
So we wait.
In other news, I couldn't get an appt. with my podiatrist before Monday (unless I bumped my oncologist appt. -- which wasn't going to happen.) So that's when I'll find out if the entire nail needs to be yanked, or if we can get away with cutting it down to a quarter inch. We'll see. I can't stand my podiatrist, so if I can get a same day appt. with someone else tomorrow, I'll go for it.
I've been eating well, but no exercise for two days. I'm back on it tomorrow.
Thursday: 1643 kcal; no exercise
Today was a day of doctor's office visits -- 2 for me and 1 for Lorraine.
First up was my first meeting with my oncologist since before my last treatment -- the all-important post-chemo meeting. Most importantly, we talked about my follow-up care -- the ongoing monitoring to see if I relapse or stay in remission. A lot of folks have scans quarterly during the first year, but my onc feels that the body has already taken a beating from the chemo and the 3 PET scans to date, so she opts instead for bloodwork and office visits quarterly and a PET scan every 6 months -- this for the first 3 years. For the next two years, 1 visit and 1 PET. After that, because the generally accepted "cure" turning point is the 5-year mark, we'll leave the frequency of monitoring after that for later monitoring.
This means that in 3 months she'll check my blood counts and give me a brief physical, which will undoubtedly involve lots of purposeful prodding of my lymph nodes. 3 months later I'll get another PET. She DID say that if I'm more comfortable getting a PET at this first 3-month mark, we can go ahead and get one, but she recommends not doing it in order to give my body a break. (The scans' radiation does add up.)
We also talked about my weight loss -- or the lack thereof -- and bottom line, she told me not to be hard on myself for losing only 4 pounds; on the contrary, she said that even this loss was a huge accomplishment at this time. She said that most people gain after chemo. I got a little teary, and explained that I was really struggling with my chemo weight gain. We just left it that I'd stick with what I'm doing, and eventually it will work.
At my request, she gave me a referral for a therapist experienced in helping folks with cancer. I'm having a hard time emotionally in the aftermath of the cancer -- like many others. Some of us get hit harder afterwards, after the "gotta get through chemo, gotta stay positive, I'm going to beat this" energy goes away and you're left with the emotional impacts of the diagnosis, subsequent treatment, and the personal upheaval of both.
I asked her to quantify my prognosis, given my personal stats, type of cancer, staging, response to treatment, etc.....and she gave me a "greater than 80%." She then said again what she'd told me before: The single greatest indicator that you're going to continue through remission and on to a cure is a 100% clean scan at the halfway point. Well, now, that is very, very encouraging.
The second appt. of the day was at my surgeon's. He checked out my incision, stuck on some new holding strips, and off I went!
Then it was on to the infectious disease doc to get some help for poor Lorraine. He was just completely impressive -- just so thorough, insightful, and knowledgeable. After getting a very detailed recounting of the chain of events, from the bite, through the symptoms, past the overnight hospital stay and subsequent cardiac catheterization and into resulting treatment.......after all of that.......he said it's very unlikely she's got Lyme Disease. Fascinating! The test is reknowned for false positives and negatives, and he said, based on the chain of events, it seems that something toxic probably happened, but that he's going to need more information before he can come to a final conclusion. So we're going to get him copies of all the test results (we thought they'd already been forwarded, but they hadn't) and go back to meet with him again in a couple of weeks. In the meantime, poor Lorraine gets so dizzy she has to pull off the road, has an ongoing drum beat in her ears, and gets what she can only call, "crazy heart beats" and chests pains. Her heart is functioning at 34%, it's surrounded by fluid, its electrical system is screwed up (left bundle branch block,) and she's almost always fatigued now. She's got 8 days left of her month-long antibiotic regimen, and takes 3 medicines for her heart (1 of them is for her cholesterol.)
So we wait.
In other news, I couldn't get an appt. with my podiatrist before Monday (unless I bumped my oncologist appt. -- which wasn't going to happen.) So that's when I'll find out if the entire nail needs to be yanked, or if we can get away with cutting it down to a quarter inch. We'll see. I can't stand my podiatrist, so if I can get a same day appt. with someone else tomorrow, I'll go for it.
I've been eating well, but no exercise for two days. I'm back on it tomorrow.
Tuesday, July 26
I Can't Even Freakin' Believe It
Tuesday: 1156; cycled 30 minutes, going 8.3 miles
I am so upset. Just so upset. My other big toenail is coming off! I just can't even believe it. Since May, I've worn a closed-toe shoe a total of maybe 5 times. There's been no trauma to it. There's no sign of infection. It's simply separating from the nailbed, just exactly as the last one did. Last time it got infected after it had separated from the nailbed and I didn't yet know it. (Hello, red nail polish.) Because I was still in chemo, I couldn't combat the infection.
But NOW! To lose another one 6 weeks after my last chemo.....it's just so upsetting. And it's the other big toe! I cry every time I think about it. It's just so many things: it's the pain involved in its removal, it's that it's so freaking ugly, it's that I still won't even have full toenails back next spring, it's that the healing process is a lengthy one and will affect my daily actions. And this is a biggie: it's that I was just beginning to feel like I was regaining some sense of normalcy -- that I was more physically able to distance myself from the cancer, from the chemo, from the emotional and physical misery of the last 8 months. I was so reluctant to call it over and to feel like I could put it behind me; once I finally felt able to do that and open myself up to hope and this new chapter, BAM! Now the big toenail's bailing from the other foot! I was just thinking today that this was a time of reawakening for me. I was feeling like I was emerging from a dark corner, roused from an uncomfortable rest. I was loving the spring in my step, the way I could walk fast and carry heavy things, and take a deep breath at last. It just feels like such a setback. With a sucking whoooosh, I've been rushed back into the uncontrollable, unavoidable, incontrovertible helplessness of chemo side effects.
A part of me feels like I should apologize for being a baby about this and making a big production about a stupid toenail. A larger part of me feels, though, that it IS a big deal. It's a big deal to me, anyway. At any rate, it's my blog, and I'll cry if I want to -- cry if I want to.
That's it. I'm out.
I am so upset. Just so upset. My other big toenail is coming off! I just can't even believe it. Since May, I've worn a closed-toe shoe a total of maybe 5 times. There's been no trauma to it. There's no sign of infection. It's simply separating from the nailbed, just exactly as the last one did. Last time it got infected after it had separated from the nailbed and I didn't yet know it. (Hello, red nail polish.) Because I was still in chemo, I couldn't combat the infection.
But NOW! To lose another one 6 weeks after my last chemo.....it's just so upsetting. And it's the other big toe! I cry every time I think about it. It's just so many things: it's the pain involved in its removal, it's that it's so freaking ugly, it's that I still won't even have full toenails back next spring, it's that the healing process is a lengthy one and will affect my daily actions. And this is a biggie: it's that I was just beginning to feel like I was regaining some sense of normalcy -- that I was more physically able to distance myself from the cancer, from the chemo, from the emotional and physical misery of the last 8 months. I was so reluctant to call it over and to feel like I could put it behind me; once I finally felt able to do that and open myself up to hope and this new chapter, BAM! Now the big toenail's bailing from the other foot! I was just thinking today that this was a time of reawakening for me. I was feeling like I was emerging from a dark corner, roused from an uncomfortable rest. I was loving the spring in my step, the way I could walk fast and carry heavy things, and take a deep breath at last. It just feels like such a setback. With a sucking whoooosh, I've been rushed back into the uncontrollable, unavoidable, incontrovertible helplessness of chemo side effects.
A part of me feels like I should apologize for being a baby about this and making a big production about a stupid toenail. A larger part of me feels, though, that it IS a big deal. It's a big deal to me, anyway. At any rate, it's my blog, and I'll cry if I want to -- cry if I want to.
That's it. I'm out.
Monday, July 25
Perseverance. Inches?
Monday: 1160 kcal; cycled 30 minutes (8 miles), WATP 1-mile, full body weight workout
It's definitely harder staying motivated when you're not seeing any change on the scale. There's no "YEAH, look at what my hard work did!" I know that the stress hormone(s) that slow your metabolism to a crawl also cause the body to retain fat -- but can I still lose inches? I don't see how I can, if my number of pounds remains unchanged. It's not like women put on pounds of muscle in a few sessions -- hell, women don't put on pounds of muscle even when they're killing themselves trying to! So I don't know. I DO know that I feel a bit tighter. I know my thighs have begun to change shape, getting narrower again closer to the knee. I carry my weight primarily in my midsection; even at my heaviest I didn't fall into the camp of women who have saddlebags and wide asses. I have the big, "Whoa, what's she got in there!" stomach that puts you at greater risk for heart disease. Which reminds me -- I want to get a post-chemo, post-cancer physical just to get what we used to call at Starbucks the "up to now," which is simply their parlance for "give me the quick and dirty on where we are with it right now." I always loved that expression. Anyway, I'm interested in finding out if my overall cholesterol is still strikingly low, and my good cholesterol pretty good. I want to know if my heart is still functioning as well as it did before I pumped my body full of Adriamycin, one of the chemo drugs known to negatively affect heart function. I know my blood pressure is lovely, since it's been lovely before every chemo, the day after all the chemo's, and just last week, when it was taken at the gynecologist's office. (And if it's lovely there, with the stirrups pending, well then you're doing just fine!) I just want to find out how I'm doing now, so I have the new baseline.
Oh! My thighs....I was talking about my thighs. Yes, well I do not run to wide thighs, relative to my overall size. And inches -- I was wondering if I could still lose inches. I guess I'll measure my various parts so I have some basis for comparison. I guess I should have done that a month ago, when I started to exercise again! I'll have to pay attention to the pants-o-meter also. I know that one pair of pants that had grown a tad snug since their purchase in late April are now less snug -- but I'll have to check out some other clothes to see if I'm fantasizing. I just don't see how I can lose inches when the scale isn't budging and I'm not lifting enough to be gaining muscle mass. I've been working for fitness/capability/energy gains -- and the hope that all the exercise will help to jumpstart my metabolism. I also want to make sure that I'm fully entrenched in exercise/endorphin heaven before I go back to work September 6th, so I can muster the wherewithall to get my ass up out of bed at 5:45 every morning so I can do some HIIT (high intensity interval training) cardio for a half hour before work every morning, do still more on a couple of worknights, an hour on a weekend day, and weights on two weeknights and one weekend day!
I know you can't argue with your body -- but I sure do wish I could reason with it! It will just have to boil down to faith -- faith that if I continue to do the right things, my metabolism will have to comply. I remind myself that I continued to go to chemo knowing that eventually my new best friends A, B, V, and D would kill the cancer cells despite the difficulty of the process. This is not so very different when I think in terms of discipline with faith -- and it feels a hell of a lot better physically!
Perseverance.
Any physiologists or physical trainers out there? Somebody? Anybody with a clue?
It's definitely harder staying motivated when you're not seeing any change on the scale. There's no "YEAH, look at what my hard work did!" I know that the stress hormone(s) that slow your metabolism to a crawl also cause the body to retain fat -- but can I still lose inches? I don't see how I can, if my number of pounds remains unchanged. It's not like women put on pounds of muscle in a few sessions -- hell, women don't put on pounds of muscle even when they're killing themselves trying to! So I don't know. I DO know that I feel a bit tighter. I know my thighs have begun to change shape, getting narrower again closer to the knee. I carry my weight primarily in my midsection; even at my heaviest I didn't fall into the camp of women who have saddlebags and wide asses. I have the big, "Whoa, what's she got in there!" stomach that puts you at greater risk for heart disease. Which reminds me -- I want to get a post-chemo, post-cancer physical just to get what we used to call at Starbucks the "up to now," which is simply their parlance for "give me the quick and dirty on where we are with it right now." I always loved that expression. Anyway, I'm interested in finding out if my overall cholesterol is still strikingly low, and my good cholesterol pretty good. I want to know if my heart is still functioning as well as it did before I pumped my body full of Adriamycin, one of the chemo drugs known to negatively affect heart function. I know my blood pressure is lovely, since it's been lovely before every chemo, the day after all the chemo's, and just last week, when it was taken at the gynecologist's office. (And if it's lovely there, with the stirrups pending, well then you're doing just fine!) I just want to find out how I'm doing now, so I have the new baseline.
Oh! My thighs....I was talking about my thighs. Yes, well I do not run to wide thighs, relative to my overall size. And inches -- I was wondering if I could still lose inches. I guess I'll measure my various parts so I have some basis for comparison. I guess I should have done that a month ago, when I started to exercise again! I'll have to pay attention to the pants-o-meter also. I know that one pair of pants that had grown a tad snug since their purchase in late April are now less snug -- but I'll have to check out some other clothes to see if I'm fantasizing. I just don't see how I can lose inches when the scale isn't budging and I'm not lifting enough to be gaining muscle mass. I've been working for fitness/capability/energy gains -- and the hope that all the exercise will help to jumpstart my metabolism. I also want to make sure that I'm fully entrenched in exercise/endorphin heaven before I go back to work September 6th, so I can muster the wherewithall to get my ass up out of bed at 5:45 every morning so I can do some HIIT (high intensity interval training) cardio for a half hour before work every morning, do still more on a couple of worknights, an hour on a weekend day, and weights on two weeknights and one weekend day!
I know you can't argue with your body -- but I sure do wish I could reason with it! It will just have to boil down to faith -- faith that if I continue to do the right things, my metabolism will have to comply. I remind myself that I continued to go to chemo knowing that eventually my new best friends A, B, V, and D would kill the cancer cells despite the difficulty of the process. This is not so very different when I think in terms of discipline with faith -- and it feels a hell of a lot better physically!
Perseverance.
Any physiologists or physical trainers out there? Somebody? Anybody with a clue?
Sunday, July 24
Back Again
Wednesday: 1584 kcal; 30 minutes cycling 8.25 miles
Thursday: 1979 kcal; no exercise
Friday: 1179 kcal; 30 minutes cycling 8 miles, WATP 1-mile, upper body weights
Saturday: 1771 kcal; WATP 1-mile
Just a quick update to report that I've lost another pound, bringing me to a post-chemo total of....4! I'm having a hard time with my metabolic slowdown. It's depressing. I just keep reminding myself that if I were eating off plan with my metabolism this slow, I'd surely be gaining weight still. The other day my gynecologist told me that it usually lasts at least 2 months. If that's true in my case, then I'm halfway there! In the meantime, I know I'm gaining strength and increasing my energy. I know I can feel muscles again for the first time in 7 months, and that's a most excellent thing. It's hard to stay focused on the positive, because I'm so accustomed to seeing my hard work and discipline pay off in actual pounds lost. It is what it is, though. I just need to get over myself, I guess.
I'm also in that weird, no man's land of emotions that follows the end of chemo. Everyone expects you to be this effervescent ball of ecstatic energy -- and you're just not. A lot of us get downright depressed. I know I am. I'll talk more about this another day -- I need to formulate my thoughts first before spilling them here.
As for Lorraine, she's still smoke-free -- YAY! -- and absolutely MISERABLE. She's struggling with it terribly. And her blood pressure is so low, she keeps getting dizzy and having odd heart palpitations, the sweetheart. She wore a heart monitor for 24 hours, and we'll get the results next week. She's feeling very down about how she's feeling physically, as well as missing her cigs tremendously. This is my blog, so I'm not going to go on about her state of being, but it certainly has an effect on how I feel, what with loving her so much and all.
It's just a tough time for us both right now. 2005 has been a real challenge.
Thursday: 1979 kcal; no exercise
Friday: 1179 kcal; 30 minutes cycling 8 miles, WATP 1-mile, upper body weights
Saturday: 1771 kcal; WATP 1-mile
Just a quick update to report that I've lost another pound, bringing me to a post-chemo total of....4! I'm having a hard time with my metabolic slowdown. It's depressing. I just keep reminding myself that if I were eating off plan with my metabolism this slow, I'd surely be gaining weight still. The other day my gynecologist told me that it usually lasts at least 2 months. If that's true in my case, then I'm halfway there! In the meantime, I know I'm gaining strength and increasing my energy. I know I can feel muscles again for the first time in 7 months, and that's a most excellent thing. It's hard to stay focused on the positive, because I'm so accustomed to seeing my hard work and discipline pay off in actual pounds lost. It is what it is, though. I just need to get over myself, I guess.
I'm also in that weird, no man's land of emotions that follows the end of chemo. Everyone expects you to be this effervescent ball of ecstatic energy -- and you're just not. A lot of us get downright depressed. I know I am. I'll talk more about this another day -- I need to formulate my thoughts first before spilling them here.
As for Lorraine, she's still smoke-free -- YAY! -- and absolutely MISERABLE. She's struggling with it terribly. And her blood pressure is so low, she keeps getting dizzy and having odd heart palpitations, the sweetheart. She wore a heart monitor for 24 hours, and we'll get the results next week. She's feeling very down about how she's feeling physically, as well as missing her cigs tremendously. This is my blog, so I'm not going to go on about her state of being, but it certainly has an effect on how I feel, what with loving her so much and all.
It's just a tough time for us both right now. 2005 has been a real challenge.
Tuesday, July 19
A Quick One
Tuesday: 1483 kcal; lower body weights
My chest is still sore from yesterday's surgery. Last night some percocet helped. I wasn't supposed to do any exercise this morning, so this afternoon I got in a lower body weights session. It hurt my chest to hold the weights, but I finished it. I'd intended to do cardio later on, but Lorraine was feeling really poorly so I stayed with her instead.
Tomorrow we see her cardiologist, so we're both anxious.
My chest is still sore from yesterday's surgery. Last night some percocet helped. I wasn't supposed to do any exercise this morning, so this afternoon I got in a lower body weights session. It hurt my chest to hold the weights, but I finished it. I'd intended to do cardio later on, but Lorraine was feeling really poorly so I stayed with her instead.
Tomorrow we see her cardiologist, so we're both anxious.
Monday, July 18
My port's out!
Monday: 1574 kcal; No exercise
My port's out! Buh bye, old friend! It wasn't the most pleasant experience ever -- I'd heard there was no pain at all, but that was not my experience. I had more than 7 shots of lidocaine, and STILL I felt the surgeon stitching me up! I say more than 7 shots because that's when I stopped counting, but I know there were more than that. The procedure was done in the surgical center adjacent to his office, and I had to get naked, get into the two oh-so-flattering hospital gowns (you know, one with the opening in back, followed by one with the opening to the front) and the dorky floor socks, followed by the surgical poofy hat -- because I have about a half-inch of hair on my head. I was on my back and after a bunch of sting-and-burn lidocaine shots around the left half of my chest, I could still feel the needle when he touched me with it, so he kept giving me more. Eventually I was good, and he cut right over the original -- and, I might mention, beautifully healed -- incision. Then I felt a lot of pulling and pressure, and an unfamiliar awareness of some movement within a vein. (You don't expect to feel one of them, do you?)
I didn't wake up in time to exercise before going in for the procedure, and then the doc told me to hold off tonight and limit myself to lower body movement tomorrow. So no exercise for Sarah today!
We did have an interesting conversation during the surgery, though, about weight loss after chemo. I was explaining that I was working hard to lose weight but that it's very slow in coming off. He explained that when the body experiences great physical stress -- like that caused by 6 months of chemo -- a stress enzyme is released which ultimately results in a significant slowdown of the metabolism, as the body is in self-preservation mode. Eventually it relaxes and gives up the weight, but it takes a while. He said that exercise helps.
At least I know a little more about why I've only lost 3 pounds since the end of chemo, despite doing all the right stuff. It'll happen, eventually. There's no way I'll give up, so it's just a matter of being patient while I continue to do what I know is best.
My port's out! Buh bye, old friend! It wasn't the most pleasant experience ever -- I'd heard there was no pain at all, but that was not my experience. I had more than 7 shots of lidocaine, and STILL I felt the surgeon stitching me up! I say more than 7 shots because that's when I stopped counting, but I know there were more than that. The procedure was done in the surgical center adjacent to his office, and I had to get naked, get into the two oh-so-flattering hospital gowns (you know, one with the opening in back, followed by one with the opening to the front) and the dorky floor socks, followed by the surgical poofy hat -- because I have about a half-inch of hair on my head. I was on my back and after a bunch of sting-and-burn lidocaine shots around the left half of my chest, I could still feel the needle when he touched me with it, so he kept giving me more. Eventually I was good, and he cut right over the original -- and, I might mention, beautifully healed -- incision. Then I felt a lot of pulling and pressure, and an unfamiliar awareness of some movement within a vein. (You don't expect to feel one of them, do you?)
I didn't wake up in time to exercise before going in for the procedure, and then the doc told me to hold off tonight and limit myself to lower body movement tomorrow. So no exercise for Sarah today!
We did have an interesting conversation during the surgery, though, about weight loss after chemo. I was explaining that I was working hard to lose weight but that it's very slow in coming off. He explained that when the body experiences great physical stress -- like that caused by 6 months of chemo -- a stress enzyme is released which ultimately results in a significant slowdown of the metabolism, as the body is in self-preservation mode. Eventually it relaxes and gives up the weight, but it takes a while. He said that exercise helps.
At least I know a little more about why I've only lost 3 pounds since the end of chemo, despite doing all the right stuff. It'll happen, eventually. There's no way I'll give up, so it's just a matter of being patient while I continue to do what I know is best.
Sunday, July 17
Identity crisis (OK, a small one)
Sunday: 1592 kcal; 40 (consecutive!) minutes cardio, biked 10 miles
I'm so excited to have done 40 straight minutes on the bike! This is the most uninterrupted cardio I've done since chemo! Very cool.
Tomorrow I get my port out! I had planned to do full body weights tomorrow, but since I'll have new stitches in my chest and will probably be sore, I'll do weights on Tuesday and just stick to cardio tomorrow. I plan to get in at least 40 minutes, but an hour would be better.
In case anyone's wondering how I'm doing otherwise, in terms of my chemo recovery, I'll share here what I wrote on the Hodgkins Message Board:
Some of that might be, ahem, a little more than some of you might care to know -- but for those readers who come here looking for some sense of what to expect when chemo's over, this is the sort of real information they're looking for.
This blog has a sort of dual identity. At this point, I get a little over a hundred visitors a day, and they are from two disparate groups: those looking for weight loss commiseration -- and those either already diagnosed with Hodgkins or fearing that they might be. I, of course, am a part of both of these communities, and here in this blog I talk, of course, about both topics. Occasionally I have this fleeting fear dart across my mind that some Hodgkins person will come here seeking information, find only my inane blatherings about cardio intensity intervals (do them, they're great!) and recommended minimum protein consumption per pound when weight training (at least .6 - .8 grams), and high-tail it right out of here wondering why they got linked here in the first place! Maybe I'll revamp my little bio on the sidebar. Over and above that, che sara sara, you know? It can't be helped. But still it's a concern, for a conscientious girl like me. ;)
I'm so excited to have done 40 straight minutes on the bike! This is the most uninterrupted cardio I've done since chemo! Very cool.
Tomorrow I get my port out! I had planned to do full body weights tomorrow, but since I'll have new stitches in my chest and will probably be sore, I'll do weights on Tuesday and just stick to cardio tomorrow. I plan to get in at least 40 minutes, but an hour would be better.
In case anyone's wondering how I'm doing otherwise, in terms of my chemo recovery, I'll share here what I wrote on the Hodgkins Message Board:
I had no eyelashes or eyebrows, and was almost completely bald at treatment 7, then my head hair and eyelashes started to grow back. Now, about a month post-treatment, my hair is about as long as Lorraine's in the pic she posted in the Thursday Chemo thread. (So like a half-inch long.) It's thicker and much more curly. My eyelashes aren't as long as they were, but they're pretty much back. My eyebrows are starting to come in, but they're so thin, fine and sparce you wouldn't know it. (I still have to draw them on with a powder and brush.) My energy continues to improve. At first it was AWFUL....if I walked a block my heart would race and I'd lose my breath terribly -- so I was unable to talk and felt like I was going to fall down. It was pretty bad. I had to rest going up a flight of stairs because I got so winded -- and again, my heart would beat terribly. Now, just a few weeks later, I am riding my exercise bike for 40 minutes a day, doing in-home power walking/aerobics, and working out with free weights! I can't do it all at once -- I spread it out -- but I'm THRILLED to be able to do this much this soon! I get tired easily if I run around during the day, so stamina is still an issue, and I suspect that I'm taking from a finite store of daily energy when I'm applying it to the exercise.....but it's worth it to me. I have insomnia at night, and am considering taking Simply Sleep or something else that's over-the-counter and non-addictive. (I'd take valerian root, but it wipes me out the next morning.) My chemo brain continues.....I forget words, what I was talking about, that kind of thing. I guess that's pretty common; I sure hope it will dissipate with time. My partner tells me I'm much more alert and engaged, and closer to my old "vivacious" self. Well, THAT's good! I know that I'm still NOT myself, but maybe this is my "new normal" -- maybe it's just part of this recuperative time -- maybe I'm a little depressed -- maybe it's the Wellbutrin -- who the hell knows? I just know I'm not as bubbly as I used to be prior to the diagnosis. It would be great to get that back. I'm still very POSITIVE, and I feel enormous gratitude and appreciation for just about everything! I just don't have my old mojo -- that old spark -- you know? The only residual pain or discomfort I still have is, um, anal in nature .....leading me to believe that perhaps I had some of those dreaded internal hemorrhoids, that went untreated. So #2 is still an issue, no matter how much fiber I eat! (I average 40 grams a day!)
Some of that might be, ahem, a little more than some of you might care to know -- but for those readers who come here looking for some sense of what to expect when chemo's over, this is the sort of real information they're looking for.
This blog has a sort of dual identity. At this point, I get a little over a hundred visitors a day, and they are from two disparate groups: those looking for weight loss commiseration -- and those either already diagnosed with Hodgkins or fearing that they might be. I, of course, am a part of both of these communities, and here in this blog I talk, of course, about both topics. Occasionally I have this fleeting fear dart across my mind that some Hodgkins person will come here seeking information, find only my inane blatherings about cardio intensity intervals (do them, they're great!) and recommended minimum protein consumption per pound when weight training (at least .6 - .8 grams), and high-tail it right out of here wondering why they got linked here in the first place! Maybe I'll revamp my little bio on the sidebar. Over and above that, che sara sara, you know? It can't be helped. But still it's a concern, for a conscientious girl like me. ;)
Saturday, July 16
We now return to our regularly scheduled program....
Saturday: 1683 kcal; 30 minutes cycling, going 8.25 miles; WATP 1-mile (20 minutes); Upper body weights workout
I'm feeling pretty pleased with my exercise today! Go, me! 50 minutes of cardio is a real step in the right direction. My thighs were still crying uncle from Wednesday's workout, so I stuck with yesterday's plan of doing an upper body workout only. Today's upper body workout consisted of:
I lifted to failure with each, so I feel good about it. I did the right before the weights, going right into the weights while my heart rate was still high. I only rested for 30-45 seconds between sets, so I think I still got some cardio benefit from the workout. These were in the afternoon, about an hour and a half before dinner, then the WATP 1-mile power walk was about 40 minutes after -- and my ass was dragging by then! I loosened up, though, about a quarter of a mile into it, and still had a good workout.
My calories were a tad higher today because I wanted to make sure I got in enough protein to support my weight lifting efforts, and unfortunately I didn't realize until dinner quite how behind in protein I was! Thank goodness for Protein Factory, where I get my absolutely awesome protein powder! This is also the only place I've heard of that offers to customize your own protein powder; they'll make one custom, to meet your needs and taste preferences. Very cool! If you do visit there, the custom stuff is created under their "Lab" tab.
Tomorrow will bring more cardio: more cycling, and another mile (or two?) with Leslie. I was wondering tonight as I was finishing up the 1-mile if maybe I mightn't be ready to try out the 2-mile. I know I can burn more calories on the exercise bike, so it's tempting to invest more time there. On the other hand, the WATP provides more than just a cardio benefit; it helps with balance, core strength, and flexibility.
Alright, I'm boring myself silly -- so I'm giving myself the boot!
Look at that: not a word about cancer.
I'm feeling pretty pleased with my exercise today! Go, me! 50 minutes of cardio is a real step in the right direction. My thighs were still crying uncle from Wednesday's workout, so I stuck with yesterday's plan of doing an upper body workout only. Today's upper body workout consisted of:
2 sets of 12 reps of:
One-Armed Dumbbell Rows
Shoulder Presses
Dumbbell Bench Presses
One-Armed Triceps Extensions
Bicep Curls
I lifted to failure with each, so I feel good about it. I did the right before the weights, going right into the weights while my heart rate was still high. I only rested for 30-45 seconds between sets, so I think I still got some cardio benefit from the workout. These were in the afternoon, about an hour and a half before dinner, then the WATP 1-mile power walk was about 40 minutes after -- and my ass was dragging by then! I loosened up, though, about a quarter of a mile into it, and still had a good workout.
My calories were a tad higher today because I wanted to make sure I got in enough protein to support my weight lifting efforts, and unfortunately I didn't realize until dinner quite how behind in protein I was! Thank goodness for Protein Factory, where I get my absolutely awesome protein powder! This is also the only place I've heard of that offers to customize your own protein powder; they'll make one custom, to meet your needs and taste preferences. Very cool! If you do visit there, the custom stuff is created under their "Lab" tab.
Tomorrow will bring more cardio: more cycling, and another mile (or two?) with Leslie. I was wondering tonight as I was finishing up the 1-mile if maybe I mightn't be ready to try out the 2-mile. I know I can burn more calories on the exercise bike, so it's tempting to invest more time there. On the other hand, the WATP provides more than just a cardio benefit; it helps with balance, core strength, and flexibility.
Alright, I'm boring myself silly -- so I'm giving myself the boot!
Look at that: not a word about cancer.
Friday, July 15
Still Hurting, a Path Interrupted, and My "Port Date!"
Friday: 1238 kcal; 30 minutes cycling 7.2 miles
Hey there, sports fans! I am still hurting from my workout of two days ago. Of course I expected that this would be the very bad day -- the second day after usually is. Everything hurts, but it's the legs that are killing me! I think maybe I'm not ready yet for all three of the leg exercises in one session -- at least, if I want to work my legs three times weekly. So I'm going to alternate between lunges and squats, and keep the stiff-legged deadlifts in the full body workout. I'd planned tomorrow to do another full body workout, but my legs need more recovery time, so I'll just do upper body. Today I did a half hour on the bike, slowing down my pace a little to give my legs a break and going just over 7 miles.
My current muscular limitations illustrate the toll that six months of relative inactivity took on my body. Even as I'm not particularly surprised by it, I continue to overestimate my abilities. I guess I'm still in the process of establishing a baseline for my capabilities. Once that's done, I'll just focus on improvement and rebuilding.
In darker moments, I feel robbed by the cancer. I'd have reached goal (135-140 pounds) a month or two ago, and I'd have continued to make the fitness gains I was so proud of. My cardiovascular health was terrific, I had great muscle tone for my size, and I was in the process of making significant strength gains. I know this train of thought is negative and unproductive. I do. I think it's natural, though. I'm sure these dark thoughts and darker feelings will pass gradually, particularly when I start to see some real progress in either my weight loss or fitness -- whichever comes first. I have tried so hard to stay both positive and pragmatic about all of it -- I still do -- but these thoughts creep in nonetheless. I think it's natural, and I'm giving myself a break for it, as long as I don't get mired in it or in any way demotivated. I haven't given voice to my resentment here because I was concentrating solely on getting better. That was my primary motivation during treatment. I knew that after treatment ended I'd be resuming my interrupted path -- well that's where I am now, and I'm feeling a little pissed! I'll get over it, though. Maybe I'll feel better after I get around to reading a couple of the books I have on life after cancer. Or maybe I just need to see the aforementioned measurable progress in my own body. I'll let you know.
In other news, I'm simply thrilled to report that I am scheduled to get my port out on Monday!! I am so happy to be getting this foreign object removed from my chest. Don't get me wrong: it was a godsend throughout treatment (even if my insurance wouldn't allow me to go to a place where they could access it to take my blood every two weeks.) Even used just for receiving my chemo, it was totally worth it! But now that treatment is over, I want it OUT. Getting it out will quite graphically signify the end of treatment to me. I understand that my surgeon will first numb the area, cut my chest again (the scar is a couple of inches,) and then pull it -- and the tube that goes into my chest through a major artery -- right out. I should feel some uncomfortable tugging, a strong pressure, but no really major pain. He'll put in some more of those dissolvable stitches, and probably ask me to return in a week or two. I want it over with, so I'm looking forward to it.
Hey there, sports fans! I am still hurting from my workout of two days ago. Of course I expected that this would be the very bad day -- the second day after usually is. Everything hurts, but it's the legs that are killing me! I think maybe I'm not ready yet for all three of the leg exercises in one session -- at least, if I want to work my legs three times weekly. So I'm going to alternate between lunges and squats, and keep the stiff-legged deadlifts in the full body workout. I'd planned tomorrow to do another full body workout, but my legs need more recovery time, so I'll just do upper body. Today I did a half hour on the bike, slowing down my pace a little to give my legs a break and going just over 7 miles.
My current muscular limitations illustrate the toll that six months of relative inactivity took on my body. Even as I'm not particularly surprised by it, I continue to overestimate my abilities. I guess I'm still in the process of establishing a baseline for my capabilities. Once that's done, I'll just focus on improvement and rebuilding.
In darker moments, I feel robbed by the cancer. I'd have reached goal (135-140 pounds) a month or two ago, and I'd have continued to make the fitness gains I was so proud of. My cardiovascular health was terrific, I had great muscle tone for my size, and I was in the process of making significant strength gains. I know this train of thought is negative and unproductive. I do. I think it's natural, though. I'm sure these dark thoughts and darker feelings will pass gradually, particularly when I start to see some real progress in either my weight loss or fitness -- whichever comes first. I have tried so hard to stay both positive and pragmatic about all of it -- I still do -- but these thoughts creep in nonetheless. I think it's natural, and I'm giving myself a break for it, as long as I don't get mired in it or in any way demotivated. I haven't given voice to my resentment here because I was concentrating solely on getting better. That was my primary motivation during treatment. I knew that after treatment ended I'd be resuming my interrupted path -- well that's where I am now, and I'm feeling a little pissed! I'll get over it, though. Maybe I'll feel better after I get around to reading a couple of the books I have on life after cancer. Or maybe I just need to see the aforementioned measurable progress in my own body. I'll let you know.
In other news, I'm simply thrilled to report that I am scheduled to get my port out on Monday!! I am so happy to be getting this foreign object removed from my chest. Don't get me wrong: it was a godsend throughout treatment (even if my insurance wouldn't allow me to go to a place where they could access it to take my blood every two weeks.) Even used just for receiving my chemo, it was totally worth it! But now that treatment is over, I want it OUT. Getting it out will quite graphically signify the end of treatment to me. I understand that my surgeon will first numb the area, cut my chest again (the scar is a couple of inches,) and then pull it -- and the tube that goes into my chest through a major artery -- right out. I should feel some uncomfortable tugging, a strong pressure, but no really major pain. He'll put in some more of those dissolvable stitches, and probably ask me to return in a week or two. I want it over with, so I'm looking forward to it.
Thursday, July 14
Oh, the Carnage
Thursday: 1303 kcal; no exercise
Good Lord the pain is awful. I guess I did some good stuff in my workout yesterday, because I'm in agony today! I did my first full body weights workout in many months yesterday. Here's what I did:
It's pretty sad that 20 pounds did so much damage, but you've to start somewhere, right? As for cardio yesterday, I did the WATP 1-mile in the morning, and my warm-up for the weights was 10 minutes walking briskly on the treadmill.
Tomorrow will bring 40 minutes of cardio, and then on Friday I'll pick up weights and hurt myself all over again. Right now I just want to be able to get up off my couch without wanting to cry. The arms are smarting, but it's the legs that were hit the most -- quads, hamstrings, and even those glutes. Exactly what I was going for with the first three of that line-up! I guess I still know how to do them, even after all this time! If there's truth in "No pain, no gain" well then I expect enormous progress.
Oh woe am I. I'll probably live, though.
Good Lord the pain is awful. I guess I did some good stuff in my workout yesterday, because I'm in agony today! I did my first full body weights workout in many months yesterday. Here's what I did:
2 sets of 12 reps of:
Squats - 20#
Stiff-Legged Deadlifts - 20#
Lunges - 20#
Lat Pushdowns - 20#
Shoulder Presses - 20#
Bicep Curls - 10#
Dumbbell Bench Presses - 20#
And 1 set of 15 unweighted Calf Raises
It's pretty sad that 20 pounds did so much damage, but you've to start somewhere, right? As for cardio yesterday, I did the WATP 1-mile in the morning, and my warm-up for the weights was 10 minutes walking briskly on the treadmill.
Tomorrow will bring 40 minutes of cardio, and then on Friday I'll pick up weights and hurt myself all over again. Right now I just want to be able to get up off my couch without wanting to cry. The arms are smarting, but it's the legs that were hit the most -- quads, hamstrings, and even those glutes. Exactly what I was going for with the first three of that line-up! I guess I still know how to do them, even after all this time! If there's truth in "No pain, no gain" well then I expect enormous progress.
Oh woe am I. I'll probably live, though.
Wednesday, July 13
Belated Update
Wednesday: 1680 kcal; WATP 1-mile power walk (20 minutes); full body weights workout
Sorry it's taken me so long to get back here to give an update; things have been pretty hectic.
First of all, Lorraine, it turns out, did not have a heart attack. She does, however, almost certainly have Lyme Disease, amazingly, which attacks your organs -- and it started with her heart, the bastard! The Lyme Disease caused her heart to weaken tremendously, and it also caused a left bundle branch block, which, in turn resulted in inflammation and increased fluid around the heart. All of these contributed to her chest pains.
She's on a bunch of medication, including a month's worth of an antibiotic proven to be effective in combatng Lyme Disease at the stage of development Lorraine's experiencing. Unfortunately, the disease has depleted all of her energy, resulting in terrible fatigue and a general flu-like feeling. She also still has some pain at the entry site in her groin from when they performed the cardiac catheterization.
We knew that she'd been bitten by this fierce bug while pumping gas at a gas station one day -- it was really painful, lasted for literally weeks, and had this really funky, spreading rash area. Because the bug flew at her, we knew it couldn't be a tick -- so we didn't think about it being connected to her heart problems until the doctor brought up an "outside chance" of Lyme Disease causing her problems. (Another candidate was a virus.) When he mentioned the Lyme Disease, we asked about this mysterious flying bug, and, after he asked us to explain the bite and it's aftermath -- his face lit up and he said, "That's it!! It's Lyme Disease!" (He'd already taken blood from her for the diagnostic test.) Apparently the deer ticks can bite flying bugs -- like the horse fly that we think bit Lorraine -- and those bugs act as carriers. Later, when we did research on it, we realized that she'd had almost every symptom!
Crazy. We are assuming at this point that the damage to her heart is reversible, and are anxious to know when that will start to occur. She has as much trouble walking up a flight of stairs as I did at the end of chemo. It's sad, because she's today on Day 9 of not smoking, and doesn't yet know how much better she'll feel being smoke-free!
In other heart-related news, she has high cholesterol, some plaque in her arteries (from smoking for 28 years!) She's eating better, but just doesn't yet have the energy to exercise. We go back to the cardiologist in a week or so, and should learn more then. Hopefully he can alleviate some of her symptoms, because it's really affecting her activity level. Thank God she didn't develop Bell's Palsy. (That's often irreversible!)
As for me, well.......I've lost 3 pounds!!! That is just so freaking exciting!! It took me 2 1/2 weeks to do it, but I'll take it! I'm up to 5.25 miles in 20 minutes on the exercise bike and the 1-mile Walk Away the Pounds workout daily. I'm also doing a full body weights workout 3 times a week. Of course that will affect scale progress, but I'm ok with that because I know I'll be doing the best thing for my health, strength, and dress size by lifting weights!
I've more to report, but I'm out of time. I really wanted to update you on Lorraine, because you were all so supportive and caring.
Sorry it's taken me so long to get back here to give an update; things have been pretty hectic.
First of all, Lorraine, it turns out, did not have a heart attack. She does, however, almost certainly have Lyme Disease, amazingly, which attacks your organs -- and it started with her heart, the bastard! The Lyme Disease caused her heart to weaken tremendously, and it also caused a left bundle branch block, which, in turn resulted in inflammation and increased fluid around the heart. All of these contributed to her chest pains.
She's on a bunch of medication, including a month's worth of an antibiotic proven to be effective in combatng Lyme Disease at the stage of development Lorraine's experiencing. Unfortunately, the disease has depleted all of her energy, resulting in terrible fatigue and a general flu-like feeling. She also still has some pain at the entry site in her groin from when they performed the cardiac catheterization.
We knew that she'd been bitten by this fierce bug while pumping gas at a gas station one day -- it was really painful, lasted for literally weeks, and had this really funky, spreading rash area. Because the bug flew at her, we knew it couldn't be a tick -- so we didn't think about it being connected to her heart problems until the doctor brought up an "outside chance" of Lyme Disease causing her problems. (Another candidate was a virus.) When he mentioned the Lyme Disease, we asked about this mysterious flying bug, and, after he asked us to explain the bite and it's aftermath -- his face lit up and he said, "That's it!! It's Lyme Disease!" (He'd already taken blood from her for the diagnostic test.) Apparently the deer ticks can bite flying bugs -- like the horse fly that we think bit Lorraine -- and those bugs act as carriers. Later, when we did research on it, we realized that she'd had almost every symptom!
Crazy. We are assuming at this point that the damage to her heart is reversible, and are anxious to know when that will start to occur. She has as much trouble walking up a flight of stairs as I did at the end of chemo. It's sad, because she's today on Day 9 of not smoking, and doesn't yet know how much better she'll feel being smoke-free!
In other heart-related news, she has high cholesterol, some plaque in her arteries (from smoking for 28 years!) She's eating better, but just doesn't yet have the energy to exercise. We go back to the cardiologist in a week or so, and should learn more then. Hopefully he can alleviate some of her symptoms, because it's really affecting her activity level. Thank God she didn't develop Bell's Palsy. (That's often irreversible!)
As for me, well.......I've lost 3 pounds!!! That is just so freaking exciting!! It took me 2 1/2 weeks to do it, but I'll take it! I'm up to 5.25 miles in 20 minutes on the exercise bike and the 1-mile Walk Away the Pounds workout daily. I'm also doing a full body weights workout 3 times a week. Of course that will affect scale progress, but I'm ok with that because I know I'll be doing the best thing for my health, strength, and dress size by lifting weights!
I've more to report, but I'm out of time. I really wanted to update you on Lorraine, because you were all so supportive and caring.
Tuesday, July 5
Lorraine's in trouble
Hi everybody. Just a quick post to say I'm fine and we got back from the weekend ok. We've been dealing with some problems with Lorraine's heart. In addition to having what's called a "left bundle branch block," she has some other stuff going on. I have to make this quick, so I don't have time to give details right now, but it seems that she might have had a heart attack a couple of weeks ago, and her heart is not functioning well now. She's gone through a bunch of tests after getting admitted and staying overnight after we went to the emergency room when we got back from New Jersey. Now the cardiologist with whom we had already had an appointment looked at her heart with an ultrasound, and he reviewed the details of the stress test she took at the hospital. Apparently she shouldn't have been released at all. So we're going in tomorrow (after my PET scan) to get her tested with a pretty invasive test which involves a catheter going in through the groin and up to her heart. If she's fine, great. If not, they'll perform surgery immediately to "fix it" and she'll stay in the hospital.
We're of course terrified. (I'm a wreck but she doesn't know it.) On the bright side, today she smoked her last cigarette. She'd just bought a carton for her last week of smoking (she was going to quit on Sunday, had started Wellbutrin and was going to start the patch that day) -- so no less than 7 packs of cigarettes were torn up and thrown in the trash. Cigarettes are the devil, and they hurt the woman I love.
I'll update when I can. Say a prayer or send positive vibes, would you?
We're of course terrified. (I'm a wreck but she doesn't know it.) On the bright side, today she smoked her last cigarette. She'd just bought a carton for her last week of smoking (she was going to quit on Sunday, had started Wellbutrin and was going to start the patch that day) -- so no less than 7 packs of cigarettes were torn up and thrown in the trash. Cigarettes are the devil, and they hurt the woman I love.
I'll update when I can. Say a prayer or send positive vibes, would you?
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