Sarah Doesn't Go to Chemo

Wednesday: 1821 calories; 20 minutes cycling (5 miles); lots [for me] of standing and walking at the baseball game that wasn't.

Today would be chemo day, if I still had to go to chemo. I felt a wave of nausea just typing the word chemo. It's two weeks to the day since my last chemo -- but it feels like longer. That said, my body frequently tells me that I'm not far out of it.

Sadly, the baseball game got postponed. We waited 3 hours for them to play, but then we were done. I was actually done an hour earlier -- but I didn't want to leave in case the game didn't get called, because Lorraine was going to get a "Happy 40th Birthday" message between the 3rd and 4th innings. We just kept standing and walking, standing and walking. There was no place for me to sit, and it was just really, really hard. We did have a good time together, though -- the adults had a couple of cocktails (beer for Lorraine and wine for her sister and I) and we laughed a lot. I was worried about Lorraine finding her way back to pick me up if I waited by the stadium for her to retrieve me after getting the car from the lot 5-6 blocks away. So I walked with them. We went slowly, and I rested a few times, but it was just too much. Twice I had to stop because I couldn't breathe, I hardly had the strength to stand, and I almost hyperventilated. I just couldn't catch my breath. It really scared me.

I'm worried about going to NY now with Lorraine and her sister. It really bums me out because I miss it so much -- it's my home town! It would just be so, so great for my spirits. I just know that I can't do the walking. Last night drove that point home. I'll just make Lorraine take me back later on, when I have more stamina and cardiovascular fitness.

Speaking of cardiovascular fitness, I did another 20 minutes on the exercise bike. I ride 5 miles in that time -- not bad for a chemo-head! I'm planning on starting weight training next week, so that I can begin to rebuild strength after 6 months of inactivity. I think, also, that I'll start walking on the treadmill slowly, for 5-10 minutes at a time. Walking is harder for me because it's weight-bearing. Cycling is more doable, so that's why I've started with it.

I've been emotional today. I attribute it to last night's experience and my fear over next Wednesday's scans. I won't meet with my oncologist until July 28th, as she's going out of town, so I can't talk to her about post-chemo life until then. I'm glad I know that I can get a copy of the results from the radiologist, because otherwise I'd have to wait almost 3 weeks to find out whether or not I'm still cancer-free! (Most folks get those results directly from their oncologists, rather than getting a copy of the report themselves.)

Still no weight loss, since starting on Monday. Normally I'd have lost at least a pound or two of water or something! I've learned that a lot of people have a very difficult time losing weight initially, despite their best efforts, because the body just holds onto everything everything and does not cooperate. This just makes no sense to me, because the whole calories in/calories out thing is just pretty straightforward, physiologically speaking. Is it that your metabolism just slows to a crawl or what? Oh well, I'll just keep on keeping on. Maybe the scale will do what I want it to, and maybe it won't. Either way, I'll be doing all the right things for my body and giving it the care it needs to get healthier and stronger. Sooner or later it will cooperate.