Almost Halfway Done

I'm gearing up for tomorrow's chemo. Number 6! The Bleo side effects continue with shortness of breath, wheezing, and coughing. Also some strong pain in my back, on the right side. I don't know if it's my lungs or just a bad stitch that lasted for a day and a half. Also my heart is beating very rapidly and also irregularly at times, even when I'm just sitting still. This morning I woke up with extremely shaky hands. It's about 4:00 p.m., and I still can't hold them still. Even writing my name on the sign-in sheet at the pathologist's today was difficult. I had to really slow down and concentrate to write legibly. I'll tell the nurses tomorrow about all of this so if any of these are cause for immediate concern or action on the part of my doc, I'll be there to talk to her. Otherwise, I'll see her on the 7th and can give her another update. At that time I will discuss again my concern that the Bleo is doing permanent damage to my lungs. In those who get this permanent damage (25% of patients, I think,) it usually starts to manifest in the 3rd cycle. Tomorrow will mark the end of my third cycle. Lorraine and I had just been talking about how wonderful it was that I had my laugh back after losing it to my pre-chemo Hodgkins cough. And now the cough is back -- when I laugh, it's lost in a dry, tight cough. I'm sure we'll deal with it one way or another. All things being equal, I would want to reduce the Bleo or remove it from my treatment if it's not going to compromise my cancer battle, but of course ultimately it's my oncologist's decision. I've read studies saying that it's not critical and that remission rates are not affected by its removal, but I'm sure there are equally good arguments for keeping it in the treatment. Obviously, the priority is to beat the Hodgkins. Once that's done, however, I hope to have a long life ahead of me, and it would be great if I could live it without permanent lung damage and reduced breath capacity. Those affected receive massive doses of Prednisone for several months, and it seems to reverse some of the damage. The Prednisone, of course, has it's own side effects. I'm not going to freak out about that yet. Right?

Next Friday I'll get my first PET scan since beginning treatment. I'm at once incredibly excited and absolutely terrified. So much is riding on those results. If I get a completely clear scan at the halfway point, it will bode so well for my prognosis. It's important. Not that getting an "improved" scan is cause for lament -- but it's widely accepted that a clear scan by the halfway point is a strong indicator that you're less likely to have a recurrence. Even as I write this, I am frightened. I hesitate to put this out there out of fear that I'll undermine the pleasure of seeing a "big reduction" result or cause you to be concerned for me when I report that it's largely gone but not all gone. I guess you'll just be happy for me regardless. You'll probably follow my lead. Alright. I'll try to lead you honestly and responsibly.

I'm going to ask tomorrow about getting my Zoloft dosage upped. It's a low dosage, and I think it needs to be higher. I'm not doing great, emotionally. In speaking with others, this is common at the halfway point; I've been told that I'll feel better and more motivated once I see some positive scan results. I know rationally that I'm working towards a goal, but some quantifiable results go a long way to motivating you and giving you energy.

I'll update after chemo. Think a kind thought!